Kornkob’s Corner

Way back in basic training, then-Private Lucky was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It was week 7 of the 8 week course. It was yet another muggy Sunday afternoon in Alabama (more…)

CPL Lucky actually preferred hanging out with friends that were not in the service sometimes. Military personnel can get a bit boring after a while. Same stories, same attitudes, same jobs. Lucky found that (more…)

Now I don’t want you thinking that CPL Lucky is some kinda saint. In fact, he was very much the jerk at times. I hear he got better about how he treated people, women in particular, but there was a time …

…that CPL Lucky was pretty much a hormone driven frat boy with a severe case of “gotta get this condom wet”. Anyone and anytime was his motto. And sometimes he cut things kind of close…

CPL Lucky was hanging out with a bunch of fellas in the library of a neighboring frat playing pool and basically talking smack and tipping back a few beers. It was late fall and everyone had fallen into a routine of college life. (In other words: the drinking starts on Thursday and runs till Monday morning.)

So, CPL Lucky is having a good time when a friend of his… Well, not a friend exactly. More like an acquaintance/competitor. You see, Richard Slick and CPL Lucky both tended to expend a great deal of time doing what was once called ‘scamming the babes’ (I think you youngsters call it mackin’ these days). Since the college was small (700 students) and the town wasn’t much bigger (7111 according to the sign on the edge of town), the pool of eligible females that appealed to the tastes of a college age male was understandably small. As such, these two rather slimy creatures knew each other from previous encounters ‘on the hunt’.

In any case, Richard Slick came into the library and interrupted the game of pool with a bit of a conundrum.

Richard sat slumped on the pool table, “Dudes, I am SO hosed. I can not believe what I just got myself into.”

Naturally this piqued the interest of the several guys that were there. Richard, always the ham, hung his head during the dramatic pause he used to fill the hush that settled over the room.

“Dudes, you know that German Exchange student, Heidi Noheels? Well, I was at the Beta house last night and I arranged to meet her here tonight about 7:30pm and we were gonna hang out.” Mr. Slick inserted a deep, heartfelt (if he had one) sigh before going on. “Well, I totally spaced the fact that my girlfiend, Linda Clueless, is coming up tonight at about 8. This wouldn’t be so bad except that Linda and I ain’t been getting along and so I don’t want to turn the chill on Heidi if this Linda thing isn’t gonna work out. I am so hosed.”

CPL Lucky, who had kept his ear on the conversation while continuing to play pool, looked up at this point. “Rich, I got you covered.” Rich looked up in surprise. He was probably surprised for 2 reasons. First of all at the shock of hearing that CPL Lucky would help him at all. The idea that he would help Richard out of a mess that would likely take him out of the competition on the scamming front came out of left field. Also, CPL Lucky had apparently managed to cook up a solution in mere seconds after hearing the problem. The same problem that Richard had been trying to puzzle out all day.

“Dude, don’t be making jokes about this. I am so serious.” Oddly, despite his protests, Richard’s voice had a touch of hope in it’s timbre.

CPL Lucky stopped playing pool and leaned against the table. He took a long pull from his beer. (mmm…Black Label) CPL Lucky could pour on the drama as well, if not better than, Mr. Slick.

“Well, here’s how I see it. You have 2 chicks that you wanna leave your options open on. Right? Now, you don’t have any idea which one you are gonna try and bag but you don’t wanna choose one and have that one dry up on you.” CPL Lucky took another drink of beer to give himself some time to think. “I’m thinking that once you make up your mind on one of them then there will be a spare, so to speak. So I’m thinking that you should take off and figure out what’s up with Linda and I’ll ride herd on Heidi.”

“What are you talking about? That doesn’t help….” Blurted out Rich.

“Hear me out, chief,” cut in Lucky. “Now, eventually, one way or another you need to get Linda here, say by 9. When you show up if you have decided that Linda ain’t gonna work out tonight then you just let me know and I’ll fade away from Heidi and let you take over.”

“So, basically you’ll keep Heidi warm for me while I see about Linda?” Rich looked puzzled.

“Yup. That’s about it.”

Rich thought this over briefly. A look of suspicion clouded his face as he said, “What’s your angle here? Why are you wanting to do this?”

CPL Lucky tossed the now empty beer can into the trash can next to the bar. “Look, whichever way things fall for you, I bag one. Either the German student who I’ll have a couple hours to work on or your distraught ex-girlfriend who will be happy to cry on my shoulder about your sorry ass. I just gotta let you choose for me. I’ve seen your girlfriend and she’s pretty nice looking and this buzz about our German friend is that she’s a complete package, so I win either way.” Lucky cracked open another beer and sat on the sofa.

Rich considered the situation for a moment as he stared at the floor taking it all in.

Now during this conversation there were several other guys in the room who watched this exchange with interest. Some because they found the fact that Rich and Lucky, who usually avoided even talking to each other, actually working together rather than competing a very fascinating scene. Others found the candid discussion of what amounted to ‘girlfriend swapping’ either a tantalizing fantasy or a rather arrogant, repulsive display of sexism.

Rich agreed to Lucky’s plan and took off to meet Linda.

Around 7:30 Heidi showed up at the frat house. Lucky allowed himself to be introduced to Heidi and then smoothly apologized for Rich who had been suddenly called away to pick someone up. Of course, he would be back later. Lucky got Heidi a drink and proceeded to turn on the charm.

Now, Lucky wasn’t not one of those tall dark strangers that end up in all romance novels sleeping with the waif-like princess. Suave, sweep you off your feet wasn’t how he operated. Even at his best he couldn’t make women drool just by standing there. CPL Lucky tended to be the witty type, always ready with a story or tidbit for entertainment. CPL lucky knew that he had a strong personality but also had a real feeling for people’s emotions. This combination was one he would use mercilessly, showing that he had strength and letting that ‘special someone’ see that there was a soft side as well. He tended to use his humor to lighten the mood and then moved in under the cover of his twinkling blue eyes and bared soul to steal a heart. Or at least borrow it for a night.

Lucky fairly glowed. He was all over his game tonight. One of his greatest concerns was that he might be too good at ‘keeping her warm’ and have to back it off a bit but Heidi actually made it easier. She made it fairly clear that she was waiting for Rich but was willing to let Lucky entertain her while she waited. Lucky let his charm glow and Heidi smiled and paid attention, occasionally throwing in a yarn of her own. They flirted at every turn as the party continued to fill in.

By quarter to nine the party was in full swing. The frat house was filled with people and the music was pumping. They were on the 2nd half barrel and already started icing down the 3rd.

Heidi was obviously growing impatient with Rich which was making CPL Lucky consider cutting Hiedi out of the herd before she took off. A deal is a deal but letting Heidi slip the line was taking things a bit too far for Lucky’s taste.

Fortunately, Rich wandered in the Linda at this point. CPL Lucky had to smile when he saw the way they were hanging on each other. Heidi saw the two them a split second after Lucky did. Lucky noted how coolly she took the ‘news’. After she took in the site of Rich with Linda she turned back to Lucky, who once again earned his name as the DJ slowed things down for a couple.

Now for those of you who have never lived in a dorm, the average college attempts to purchase beds for the rooms that fit the following criteria: 1) a 7’6″ basketball player needs to be able to lay down on one without dangling his feet off the end. This is a form of institutional wishful thinking on their part. 2) no known set of sheets should be able to fit the mattress except the ones sold at the student union for roughly the same price as golden fleece. I believe the technical term for this is tuition cost controls. 3) an average sized person, when laying on the bed, should have at least one shoulder hanging off. This is part of a worldwide conspiracy to ensure that at least 56% of the population will eventually need a chiropractor. All those wackos are wrong—the military industrial complex of the United States is actually controlled by back doctors. And that is just the bed. The rooms are also routinely tiny. In CPL Lucky’s case it is a bit worse. He had what is called a ‘single’ which refers to the number of guests you can have in the room at one time. Which suited Lucky just fine. Besides with a room and bed this small it made for some creative gymnastics when participating in recreational wrestling.

Heidi and Lucky eventually retired to his little cave and tried their darnedest to rearrange the furniture without touching the floor. This frenetic activity went on deep into the night. Later, as they slept with their limbs entwined (frankly the only way 2 people can sleep on these institutional rails) Lucky smiled contentedly and wondered, briefly, what Linda was like.

The next morning they woke early and Heidi dressed for a unique collegiate experience usually referred to as “The Walk of Shame”. College campus housing is usually designed such that the female dormitories are separated from the coed/male dorms with the shortest distance between the 2 is a path which is overlooked by approximately 63% of the dorm rooms. Now, the common reason given for this separation is that it is for safety but recently there has been some indication that the real reason for this is that the chiropractor’s association has been working with the American colleges to train a ‘Super Nosey-Old-Lady-Next-Door’. The Walk of Shame is a training tool for that. Some students, who are likely the SNOLNDs of their generation, will actually get up at 6 am to watch the people on The Walk on Saturday and Sunday mornings and try and imagine what having sex is like.

So Lucky gave Heidi a long, impassioned kiss to give her the strength to bear up under the examination by several busy bodies and closed the door behind her. He started to get dressed to go to breakfast but decided that it was not worth the effort just as he pulled on his boxers. Lucky let himself fall back into bed and closed his eyes as he fell.

Before his head hit the pillow there was a knock at the door. Lucky lay there with his eyes closed wondering what Heidi had forgotten. “Come in! ‘S open.”

CPL Lucky lifted his head as he heard the door open and found his question stopped dead in his mouth. Instead of Heidi, standing in his doorway was Linda. “Come on in, Linda. What’s up?” Lucky’s head was racing, trying to puzzle out what Linda could possibly want with him.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I wake you?” Linda said as she stepped into the room, looking rather sheepish.

“No, no. I just woke up. Umm… sit, sit.” Lucky grabbed a shirt and replayed the past few minutes in his mind. Heidi and Linda had to have passed one another on the stairs. He wondered if they knew each other.

Linda, to CPL Lucky’s surprise, sat on the bed, foregoing the chair and promptly began to talk about Rich. She explained, complained and eventually began to cry. Lucky, always willing to let a young woman cry on his shoulder, held her as she cried. Some time later Linda looked into Lucky’s eyes and her tears dried. Linda pushed Lucky’s head back into the pillow and kissed him with the tart passion that is sometimes aroused by sorrow.

Soon, Lucky knew what Linda was like.

Linda never spoke to Lucky after that day but he didn’t notice for some time after. He was too busy with Heidi, who was quite a handful for the week or two they spent together. After that he moved on to another, then another, and on for some years.

CPL Lucky was pretty much a slut for that period. At one point he looked back over that period and wondered how many people have hurt feelings because of his wonton behavior. He wondered how Linda was doing but was never able to remember her last name.

CPL Lucky has forgotten dozens of last names and more than just a few first names.

And, you know, I never heard him say he was proud of that.

And you know, CPL Lucky isn’t the only guy that seems to have the best worst luck ever. LCPL Angst, a former Marine, has got to be about the only person in the world who actually enjoys being pissed off. It doesn’t really matter what he’s pissed off at, just so he can be angry enough to strip paint off moving cars. He is also damn (more…)

CPL Lucky was only ever in one high speed chase. Well, that isn’t exactly true. Let me amend that statement to say that CPL Lucky was only ever involved in one high speed chase in which he was the person doing the chasing and was authorized to do so. In any case, …

(more…)

Locutous is a buddy of mine and he was telling me about one of his trips to the mall the other day that I thought was worthy of the CPL Lucky page.

Now, I want to make clear that I do have other CPL Lucky stories left. I just don’t always like thinking about that jerk. One day I’ll get back to those stories but for now I thought I would share this little story about Locutous Cox. His life isn’t all that exciting but (more…)

Well, I’m not saying that Rancid is really anti-smoker. He’d hate himself if that was the case. Mr. Long keeps one of the Winston clan in Italian shoes all by himself. That boy walks around in a perpetual cloud (more…)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I liked CPL Lucky and all. At the same time, I can honestly say I ain’t lost no sleep over him going away, either. He was a royal prick at times and had a lot of growing up to do. Besides, right about the time he left (more…)